Trik or Treat[ment]

Right now i'm tryin to confront my scotophobia and i thought i'd reach out to all of U for help. Kinda like before in honor of Mimi. But this time i could use ur support in what im doin in here. Please.

My request is this:

Do something outside ur comfort zone that scares U. Not something stupid that hurts or harms u or somebody else but something that reaffirms something positive about urself-- like overcoming a problem ur avoiding-- email me back and lemme know what you did and how it went. If not. nevermind then. i understand.

but

                 at least

                             wish

                    me

              luck







god blessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

s.

srsly!!!

Me saying stay away from this hell-hole was NOT—I repeat NOT my way of daring you to come here. What were u thinking???!!!!!!

Most of u who have been on my blog for the past year know that i use reverse psychology to force people 2 do things outside their comf4t zone. This was not the case. Stay away from the fear clinic becuz the horror stories about it are REAL.

Current mood: still freaked out

con fused

Thanks Hector for hitting me back. i'm still using Nurse O's stolen blackberry to stay in touch with all of you. This could be bullshit, but according to a friend of mine Tony’s sister who was at this fear clinic in Arizona a few years ago-- he said that this dude Andover used some kind of experimental drugs on Lissa to cure her agoraphobia. Not sure what.

Current mood: very freaked out

???

My friend Tony can be a dickless liar, so not sure if what i 4warded to u is true or not. Evidently Tony said his sister was released from the clinic when this dr. Andover guy got shut down by the popo. So he moved to Mexico... something about regulations ruining his “high level of effectiveness” or some shit like that.

wish i knew that b4 coming here.

Current mood: state of optimystical denial = totally fucked

WARNING READ NOW!

i'm at the fear clinic using the blackberry i stole from Nurse Owens to stay in touch with U all.

4 u patients on ur way here....

STAY AWAY from this place— DO NOT seek it out as a cure for ur foebeus.

Somebody's coming have 2 go and stash this ph

ken u hear me?

hickory-dickery Doc

i'm at andover's fear clinic... 2 many shadows in ma way to ditch him at the airport. funny how he seemed to know that about me. maybe i made a bad choice, but i didn't have one.

nicey nurse O. lemme use her computer. bars on the windows. hard to get outta here. wish me luck.

Current mood: fear not

[hit by a] tie toll way have

can't b here another night.... i'm gonna bail with Andover south of the border then ditch him later at the airport.

Current mood: human bean-y

ticket out ya hear

Doc andover came to c me 2day. He thru a fit at staff for not keeping on the lights, called them post-op lobotomies of the highest order-- lol...says he can cure me at his clinic. can pulls strings 2 get me outta this nightmare ;0

Current mood: evaporating shadow

dis orderly

no sleep last night. chewed off my restraints. Got an orderly here who likes turning out the lights-- shrink added another 48 hours to my psyche hold-- WTF!

Current mood: tie-r-duh!

gotta get outta here

don't these assholes know what scotophobic means?!! leave the f*cking lights on!! i don't think i can make it another 72 hours in this place.

Current mood: hellup

it's a two-way street

the she-rink here told me that "i have a hard time trusting friends, family and other adults" lol
wow i think ur right-- can i use ur computer now?

Current mood: blah-blah-blah

now u c me, now u don't

sorry 4 disappearing on u. i'm here at trinity state hospital on a psyche hold. Yesterday this person i like alot took me to see Alice in Chains (my fav!)... and parked underground. I freaked causing an accident. My bad for not telling M. before that i'm scotophobic.

Current state of mind: mind of state

all we's b pre paired

Shit!!!! Where's daylight savings time! Got caught in the dark. Thank God for spare batteries.

Current mood: slightly freaked

no blood on ur hands

Ajax what happened to ur family wasn't ur fault. NOT ur fault! Don't ever think that.

Current mood: on your side

over & over & over?

"Does anybody know anything about this Dr. Andover??????? Please respond. Very important."

Current mood: scared but wanting to be leave

could be worse

But, hey, Brett. At least u knew ur MOM. Even if she was a crazy bitch. Hang in.

Current mood: sympathy 4 the Devil

B. dry

Got an email from B. 2day who is Hydrophobic and has to get cured 2 get his inheritance from his dad. That really sucks! Talk about being unfair.

Current mood: putting in work

shoo SHU

I’m sick and fucking tired of Group also. Aka Selfish H8ters Unite!

Current mood: fed up

v is for vic2ry!

I just kicked Alliance PvP ASS —go Muffinhug-- yeaaaaaah!

Current mood: kick-ass

tweet tweet

@DrAndover fear is the little death that consumes u

Interesting…

Current mood: garlic breath

she rink

Time to get a new shrink. Somebody who believes in me.

Current mood: tired of people who think they are experts on my experiences

That's Y

Y do I do this? Because I have 2. Helping others like me with foebeus helps me at the same time understand what I’m going thru. Ur strength is my strength. And vice versa.

Current mood: sell fish

Getting put on

If you suffer from any kind of phobia. I am here for U.

Current mood: porpoiseful

e is 4 enabling

What defines U?

Current mood: curious

The shadow cast by the latter on the forever

Talked 2 a guy who is Claustrophobic 2day. He wants a better life for him and his son.
I hope he stays in touch.

Current mood: hopeful

Cents of end title mint

I hate fuKing poseurs

Current mood: disgusted

decoration of indie pen dance

Saw a tagger hitting up his hood on a wall outside my bathroom window this morn. A 1er. Vandalism war paint all but 2 me who saw him saying: “Hey, i xist!”

Current mood: present

My Manifearsto

My Manifearsto aka my 10 core convictions about conquering my foebeus
(Thought i’d post this again 4 u newbies)

1. Move beyond those events that restrict & repress my potential 2 b happy.
2. Privilege the events that tell the story i want to tell about myself.
3. Do something every day that scares me.
4. Love myself no matter what.
5. Remember the times when The Darkness had less control over me.
6. Keep the faith—this means never give up looking for a cure!
7. Reach out to others with phobias 2 give strength and nourishment.
8. I am not the problem; The Scotophobia is the problem.
9. My fear does not define me. I define my fear.
10. Always remember that i am not alone in this. Foe Be Us!

Current mood: out of bounds and loving it

she

She was the girl on the fire escape giving haircuts 2 her friends. Her.

Current state of mind: vacant lot

F

F. is 4 faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaKe!

Current Mood: so not in2 u

hello?

Hello……… Is anybody out there?

Current mood: falling dream

don't make it my problem

What’s goin on out there??!! I saw way many runaways at Pike Place and living on roof-tops in Pioneer Square. What’s the world coming 2? Who’s supposed 2 b reaching out to them?

Current mood: I'm just sayin'...

trouble-maker

I swapped ipods with a cute girl on the bus this morn. She didn’t notice.

Current mood: up to no good

cheap sunglasses hurting my eyes

Maybe I’m just a mask that gets worn to satisfy how other people see me. Does it even matter? Why try to make sense things?

Current mood: hurting

hey!

Today somebody bumped into me and didn’t seem to notice me. When I shouted to them they acted like they didn’t hear me. I threw a bottle and it broke against the wall by them, and they stared at it like it had just fallen out of the sky. Maybe I’m only a shadow – a negative projection of an object illuminated by a bright light.

Current mood: invisible

just do it

I’d like to offer up something and tell me what you think. I was a little blue this morning thinking about Mimi again.

And I thought why not honor her today by facing ur fear? Do something outside ur comfort zone that scares U.

Not something stupid that harms or hurts you or somebody else, but something that reaffirms something positive about ur self. Like overcoming some problem ur avoiding. Or asking that guy or girl uv had your eye on out on a date.

I think Mimi would like that

Current mood: determined

personal to sam

Sam if ur at T’s crib reading this tell em he needs to nut the f*ck up!

Current mood: tired and crabby

toothbrush alert

sorry.

Caught some zzzzzz’s and feelin better bout things. Yick! Mourning breath!

Current mood: cautiously optimistic

avoiding

Okay. I admit it. I’ve been avoiding sh*t too. Like how i keep blogging about Mimi and all the sh*tty guilt that goes with it. That’s my little death-- feeling horrible about something that happened 2 somebody else because of something i did or didn’t do. There’s a story here but fuck it, i don’t feel like talking about it.

Current mood: relieved

little deaths

Sorry for venting. Maybe a clean slate is good after all. If u newbies are offended, i apologize. Well, not really. Lol. tho I'm thinking maybe I should change the name of my blog back to “little deaths.”

Little deaths are the sh*tty things that keep u from living the life u want. Little deaths force u to avoid things because ur afraid. In a nutshell, u don’t have to be phobic to have a little death. But i think we’re all a little phobic even though we don’t admit it 2 ourselves.

A little death is when some unfortunate thing happens in ur life (a breakup, ur partner cheats on you, losing your job, somebody calls u the “outcast of the universe,” etc.) and a small part of u dies inside. It changes u just a little bit. Maybe u stop privileging some positive quality about ur self that uv always appreciated; and u start focusing on some negative bullshit, then talk ur self into accepting it as truth. But it’s not. We just think it is. Most of the time we’re not even aware that we r avoiding sh*t.

Current mood: cooling off

sad

Last thing I’ll say is if ur the chick who’s blog that was and ur reading this-- I feel sorry for you. Somebody must of hurt you bad before, so u get revenge by being cruel to others. What a sad person u must be. And ur worse than a bitch. Ur a h8r. Sorry u all had to read that, but I had to get that off my chest.

Current mood: zilch

that was quick

2 add insult to injury, some a-hole blogs r back calling me a “whiny bitch” and that i was just trying to get attention.

I did what i thought was right. At the time. i tried. She reached out and i was there 4 her. But she pushed me away and i’m sorry she did that.

Thinking what i could’ve done to make things different. Want 2 know the truth. But there is none.

Current mood: don't care

damn

I will always blame myself for what happened to Mimi. Nvermind—f*ck it.
Current mood: same.

CLEAN SLATE

SCREW ALL Y’ALLS!!! I started a new blog PARTY! Hope all u h8rs are happy now. Don’t need people judging me for shit that went down with Mimi.

If ur not one of those people (and u know who u r) welcome to my new blog:

1-800- F*ck All H8rs With a Chainsaw.

Current mood: fucking pissed off/rash/defensive